After meeting my husband, we agreed that we would adopt one day after having biological children. Getting pregnant didn’t happen so I told my husband, Lamar, “We should start fostering. We want to love kids & give them a safe home. Let’s start!” And we did!
We expected our fostering journey to be hard BUT I don’t think we understood HOW hard. We expected to fall in love and we did…HARD! We expected to have a relationship with the parents to help them along the way but for our kids’ safety we can’t do that. Things have been very different right from the beginning.
I remember when my older two girls came to us in the early days. Their behaviors, fears, and physical/health conditions are vastly different to where they are now. They are more relaxed, always playing, snuggling up to us on the couch or chair. I love seeing my girls help each other, love each other, love life and be proud of their accomplishments.
Our challenges have been not just learning how to help our girls with their trauma but being a new parent on top of that. I remember one Saturday about two months into our journey with the girls. I had had a really long and hard day with the girls. I remember sobbing and telling my sister that I didn't think I could continue. I felt I wasn't good enough to help them. I felt that someone else could be a better mom to them. Every one of my insecurities came to the forefront and I felt like a failure. My sister said, “You can't give up on them.” But really I was giving up on myself.
I’ve always had a close relationship with God but that night I prayed to God with a heavy heart. I prayed the next day. I prayed three times the day after that.
I just kept praying for my girls, for myself, for my husband. I prayed that we could all get thru this together because I loved them more than I thought I would. I love them more than I knew I could. I began to understand what it meant to just love unconditionally. I chose to keep loving them even though I had every option to just walk away. I chose love.
Now we are almost two years into this and we have a balance. We have love and I'm still learning how to be a parent but my heart is so full with my kids in our life.
I've learned to remember that just as I am not perfect neither are my three kids. I've learned to let go of control, to laugh more and that I am capable of being a mom. I’m not like any other mom - I'm myself. I’m unique and I do things differently. These are things I now know and embrace.
I've learned that my husband wants nothing but the best for all of our girls and he works hard to try and make that a reality. I love how my youngest will cry for him when I'm trying to comfort her because they have a beautiful bond. Lamar texts me every day whether he's working or off to tell me he loves me and the girls and he misses us and can't wait to see us. Lamar is my best friend and I love him for taking this journey with me.
Foster care has changed us forever not just because foster care has made me a mom but it has changed our family. A lot of our family has not been supportive so we have limited contact with them. Our support system and our life has changed dramatically but I couldn't be happier which is weird. At the end of the day, we made this decision because we felt it was where we were being led. I believe God has had a hand in all of this from the beginning. When we were being licensed everything that could go wrong - did. I thought it was a wrong decision and that maybe it was the world telling us this is not for us. Our licensing took 2 months longer than we anticipated but a week after it was done our girls were placed with us. This was all Gods timing, I know it was. I have great faith that we are doing what we were supposed to be doing and that's being mom and dad to 3 precious little girls.